ALL I REALLY NEED IS YOU

ten years. ten fucking years since i started this shit. seven since the last time i updated. time flies. not that i had fun. not completely. but damn, time really flies.

the reason why i am reminded that this thing exists is that i visited my alma mater earlier because i was about to get my yearbook. and as soon as i stepped inside the university premises, nostalgia took the best of me. college is not something that i completely enjoyed. not when i'm whining on how it's being forced by circumstances every single time i could get. but boy, what do i need to sacrifice to be in school right now.

i graduated. that precious degree is in my possession right now. but it seems like nothing's been changed. i still have the crisis i had that unconsciously forced me to make this. but now it's 10 times more intense. because I AM AN ADULT. i was supposed to be an adult. a functioning one. but i don't feel like i'm close to being one.

hello, inner demons! it's been a decade. i didn't expect you to visit me in such intensity. i want to pour out what has been on the past six years but i'm afraid that i will just make your existence stronger. i've been re-reading my former entries and find it amusing that i didn't change at all. maybe a bit. i cringe from my former thoughts or by just the way i construct them. "i know what i want. i really do." is the biggest lie. i know what i want, sure. but the problem is i want a lot of stuff. i want them for a temporary amount of time. i'd like to believe that it's part of my progress as a human being. but until when? do i really want things in specifics or is it just masking the reality that i still really didn't know what i want?

earlier, i saw myself as one of the students. i missed school. i will always missed being a student. not the stressful part of it of course but the memories i had with the place, with some people, with the time. but i need to move forward which means i need to look harder for another job.

i used to think that things will get better after i graduated. that i got to do whatever i pleased. but it got worse. literal tears has been shed. i'm currently battling quarter-life crisis. unconsciously thinking about purpose and mortality every single day. of happiness and peace. peace. inner peace. that's what i really need right now.