Same old. Same old. Trapped into the words "it might have been" and "what if". I remember that i mentioned jurassic years back that I'm thinking of heading into a different path. To break stereotypes. But those remain thoughts that I've never brought to life. Am I a coward who do not fight for what I want or a courageous one who grabbed the unlikely? My mind is divided in these two parts. The one that believing I'm a coward and the other one for being courageous. But for the others perspective, it might be the other way around. Whatever I prefer, the other half is against it. I don't seek reasons for all the things I chose. I seek excuses. Trying to make a fool of myself by trying to make me believe that that's fine and i got a good bargain. I don't rationalize. I'm lying to myself. I know that fact. I know that it's better this way. But, could you define better?
At this very moment, I must be in panic. There's so much to do. There's so much to think. There's so much energy to spend. But, where am I? Glued to a virtual world I made to had a better life for just about an hour. Or maybe half of it. Is it a crime? Some folks might say that instead of wasting my time jotting down my taradiddles, why not spend it by having a game plan for surviving? I have "don't give me a damn. This is how my world works. so, shut the hell up" as an answer. I can't work under pressure. I can't think under pressure. Uhm... I can't live under pressure. Let's put it to that. I find this as a stress reliever. Read: Reliever not eliminator. All of my problems had their own places. I won't let a problem take the others place. I would not let myself to be preoccupied by those problems unless I want to wake up on a mental hospital. I want to enjoy this chapter of my life. But how am I going to enjoy it if half of my day is spent worrying what stupid title and system to made? It's like a faucet dripping in a sequence. Title... System... Title... System... Crappy title... Crappy system... Ugh! I can't take it anymore. As of now.
I know who's to blame. It's no one's fault but me. I'm responsible for the outcome. I'm the one who came up with the decision. It's mine. Maybe, rather surely affected by those elements around me. Yeah right. Whatever. I said I'm done with this stuff. I don't believe on that part. The more I tell about stopping, the more chance I'm not going to stop. I had a hard time deciding. Experience is the best teacher eh? That cliche I take literally. So I take chances. Most of the time, I chose the bad one but there are times, those once in a blue moon moments I got lucky. I want this chapter in my life to end already. But I'm more afraid with the chapter after this. Wait. Hung up. My sloth alter-ego is taking in. I'm lazy enough to write more. And I think that this is enough. So I'm going to end this. Here it goes. What's the next freaking hell to come for crying out loud?! Slap it right into my face! Come on! What?! "i need to know"...
Jul2k10
