ten years. ten fucking years since i started this shit. seven since the last time i updated. time flies. not that i had fun. not completely. but damn, time really flies.
the reason why i am reminded that this thing exists is that i visited my alma mater earlier because i was about to get my yearbook. and as soon as i stepped inside the university premises, nostalgia took the best of me. college is not something that i completely enjoyed. not when i'm whining on how it's being forced by circumstances every single time i could get. but boy, what do i need to sacrifice to be in school right now.
i graduated. that precious degree is in my possession right now. but it seems like nothing's been changed. i still have the crisis i had that unconsciously forced me to make this. but now it's 10 times more intense. because I AM AN ADULT. i was supposed to be an adult. a functioning one. but i don't feel like i'm close to being one.
hello, inner demons! it's been a decade. i didn't expect you to visit me in such intensity. i want to pour out what has been on the past six years but i'm afraid that i will just make your existence stronger. i've been re-reading my former entries and find it amusing that i didn't change at all. maybe a bit. i cringe from my former thoughts or by just the way i construct them. "i know what i want. i really do." is the biggest lie. i know what i want, sure. but the problem is i want a lot of stuff. i want them for a temporary amount of time. i'd like to believe that it's part of my progress as a human being. but until when? do i really want things in specifics or is it just masking the reality that i still really didn't know what i want?
earlier, i saw myself as one of the students. i missed school. i will always missed being a student. not the stressful part of it of course but the memories i had with the place, with some people, with the time. but i need to move forward which means i need to look harder for another job.
i used to think that things will get better after i graduated. that i got to do whatever i pleased. but it got worse. literal tears has been shed. i'm currently battling quarter-life crisis. unconsciously thinking about purpose and mortality every single day. of happiness and peace. peace. inner peace. that's what i really need right now.
ON OUR WAY
"at some point, something must have come from nothing..."
Whew. it's been a year since I've been in here. Same old, same old. Busy with studies? Nah. Busy doing nothing? Sort of. Busy doing random things to waste precious time? Exactly. In a span of a year, I'm doing same old stuffs. Going to school and making a progress(?) towards my ever cherished diploma, At last! At long last! I'm on my last year (hopefully) with this path. Ahhh~ This path. The reason why I had this cyber diary that no one even give a damn except to myself. I still remember my first entry and my feelings as I write the draft of that entry. I'm being nostalgic. And I realized that in almost four years of ranting, I become a little more mature or so the way i spit my words out. But still...
So, what really is the point of me being in here again? Boredom. Exceeding boredom. Well, I've got a new hobby-slash-obsession or whatever you want to call it as I deal with my stereotypes. My fangirl spirits kicked in again. And it's more intense this time. I've gone gaga with Korean-pop. Yeah. The kickass soldier of all things rock has this sword of Korean-pop on the other hand. And when I said intense, I mean... INTENSE. I'll completely forgot about this if not for the boredom on that thing. No. I'm not bored with my fandom. But with the things I'm able to do around it. I've become obsessed with this super-blogging thing to the point that it ruined my then-ruined studies. I must be updated with things regarding to the new world I'm in. Or else, I'll go uneasy psychopath-like nomad blogger. I've been an assuming asshole thinking that I must do my very best to please my beloved followers. I must not disappoint them. For a nomad and unpopular blogger, I really am a hell of vain.
The things I've been dreading for was here. Slapping my face. I don't want any other people to tun my life but that's what exactly is happening in a way I'm not aware of. Or maybe I am. I just choose to believe that I'm not. The final (God knows I wish this would be) part is approaching. I must focus on thesis and my studies and take things slow on other uhmmm... things. I'm getting closer and closer to that goddamn diploma. And after that, I can do whatever idiocy I please. I just need to keep on uttering to myself that we're "on out way"...
Dec2k11
REAL WORLD
"the reasonable man adapts himself to the world, but the unreasonable man tries to adapt the world to him - therefore, all progress depends upon the reasonable man..."
I never thought I could make it this far. My plan is just to enter the first year just to say that I've experienced college. Little did I know, semesters come and go. At this point, I had a total of five. I thought during my sophomore days, I'll be the rebellious one I expect I will be. But am not. I'm still afraid to fail. Afraid to had people say something on my back. It's hard to convince myself that I'm still in denial after three years of denying! I've invested too much to step back now. Though I don't have enough capabilities to comply on what's needed. But who does? Maybe there are some. I may sound like a boasting bitch, but I know deep inside that although I don't feel a subject, I'm still capable to be good at it without even trying. See what I mean? I still sound like I'm selling myself with all this proud crap I'm telling. And by the way, who cares?
The time has come for the thing that I've been dreading when I think of college: thesis. I had the impression that thesis will be every students hell on earth. I must be right. I really think I am. The effort of coming up with the titles. Read: the available title. It's more of the "first come first serve" basis. The ideas you had must be yours first or at least must be publicly known that you are the first who come up with that. Worse is getting stuffs about it. Anything and everything about it. And to make it even worse, is to write those stuffs f-o-r-m-a-l-l-y. If they allow this "blog-type' kind of writing, maybe thesis will be a little enjoyable except that it really is not. I simply don't like formal stuffs. Ya know, those who always says that that should not be this or that. Maybe, they're not the first to implement that rule. Whoever he or she might be, I want him or her dead. Where's the liberty world? Where the hell is it? For heaven's sake! It's like making life so complicated when in fact, it is so simple. Why bother stressing yourselves and ruining mine too?! And the worst of all: defense. With all those formal outfits. That's my issue after all. The outfits. After all the time, effort and bloody bucks you've spent formulating and developing that title, they will ask you to dress-up like a sales representative and made you sell that title you got. If they like it, they will buy it and you'll be thankful to nines. If not, you will repeat the same old process with curses under your breath. As simple as that. *grunt* I just think that maybe it's easier to take a break. Leave of absence? Maybe. Leave of absence for good? A total bad idea. I realized that I am already an adult. I should act like one. I should think like one. I should live like one. I must stop being chimerical. And must live in a "real world"...
I never thought I could make it this far. My plan is just to enter the first year just to say that I've experienced college. Little did I know, semesters come and go. At this point, I had a total of five. I thought during my sophomore days, I'll be the rebellious one I expect I will be. But am not. I'm still afraid to fail. Afraid to had people say something on my back. It's hard to convince myself that I'm still in denial after three years of denying! I've invested too much to step back now. Though I don't have enough capabilities to comply on what's needed. But who does? Maybe there are some. I may sound like a boasting bitch, but I know deep inside that although I don't feel a subject, I'm still capable to be good at it without even trying. See what I mean? I still sound like I'm selling myself with all this proud crap I'm telling. And by the way, who cares?
The time has come for the thing that I've been dreading when I think of college: thesis. I had the impression that thesis will be every students hell on earth. I must be right. I really think I am. The effort of coming up with the titles. Read: the available title. It's more of the "first come first serve" basis. The ideas you had must be yours first or at least must be publicly known that you are the first who come up with that. Worse is getting stuffs about it. Anything and everything about it. And to make it even worse, is to write those stuffs f-o-r-m-a-l-l-y. If they allow this "blog-type' kind of writing, maybe thesis will be a little enjoyable except that it really is not. I simply don't like formal stuffs. Ya know, those who always says that that should not be this or that. Maybe, they're not the first to implement that rule. Whoever he or she might be, I want him or her dead. Where's the liberty world? Where the hell is it? For heaven's sake! It's like making life so complicated when in fact, it is so simple. Why bother stressing yourselves and ruining mine too?! And the worst of all: defense. With all those formal outfits. That's my issue after all. The outfits. After all the time, effort and bloody bucks you've spent formulating and developing that title, they will ask you to dress-up like a sales representative and made you sell that title you got. If they like it, they will buy it and you'll be thankful to nines. If not, you will repeat the same old process with curses under your breath. As simple as that. *grunt* I just think that maybe it's easier to take a break. Leave of absence? Maybe. Leave of absence for good? A total bad idea. I realized that I am already an adult. I should act like one. I should think like one. I should live like one. I must stop being chimerical. And must live in a "real world"...
Oct2k10
I NEED TO KNOW
"they say the best me are molded out of faults. and for the most, become much more the better for being a little bad..."
Same old. Same old. Trapped into the words "it might have been" and "what if". I remember that i mentioned jurassic years back that I'm thinking of heading into a different path. To break stereotypes. But those remain thoughts that I've never brought to life. Am I a coward who do not fight for what I want or a courageous one who grabbed the unlikely? My mind is divided in these two parts. The one that believing I'm a coward and the other one for being courageous. But for the others perspective, it might be the other way around. Whatever I prefer, the other half is against it. I don't seek reasons for all the things I chose. I seek excuses. Trying to make a fool of myself by trying to make me believe that that's fine and i got a good bargain. I don't rationalize. I'm lying to myself. I know that fact. I know that it's better this way. But, could you define better?
At this very moment, I must be in panic. There's so much to do. There's so much to think. There's so much energy to spend. But, where am I? Glued to a virtual world I made to had a better life for just about an hour. Or maybe half of it. Is it a crime? Some folks might say that instead of wasting my time jotting down my taradiddles, why not spend it by having a game plan for surviving? I have "don't give me a damn. This is how my world works. so, shut the hell up" as an answer. I can't work under pressure. I can't think under pressure. Uhm... I can't live under pressure. Let's put it to that. I find this as a stress reliever. Read: Reliever not eliminator. All of my problems had their own places. I won't let a problem take the others place. I would not let myself to be preoccupied by those problems unless I want to wake up on a mental hospital. I want to enjoy this chapter of my life. But how am I going to enjoy it if half of my day is spent worrying what stupid title and system to made? It's like a faucet dripping in a sequence. Title... System... Title... System... Crappy title... Crappy system... Ugh! I can't take it anymore. As of now.
I know who's to blame. It's no one's fault but me. I'm responsible for the outcome. I'm the one who came up with the decision. It's mine. Maybe, rather surely affected by those elements around me. Yeah right. Whatever. I said I'm done with this stuff. I don't believe on that part. The more I tell about stopping, the more chance I'm not going to stop. I had a hard time deciding. Experience is the best teacher eh? That cliche I take literally. So I take chances. Most of the time, I chose the bad one but there are times, those once in a blue moon moments I got lucky. I want this chapter in my life to end already. But I'm more afraid with the chapter after this. Wait. Hung up. My sloth alter-ego is taking in. I'm lazy enough to write more. And I think that this is enough. So I'm going to end this. Here it goes. What's the next freaking hell to come for crying out loud?! Slap it right into my face! Come on! What?! "i need to know"...
Same old. Same old. Trapped into the words "it might have been" and "what if". I remember that i mentioned jurassic years back that I'm thinking of heading into a different path. To break stereotypes. But those remain thoughts that I've never brought to life. Am I a coward who do not fight for what I want or a courageous one who grabbed the unlikely? My mind is divided in these two parts. The one that believing I'm a coward and the other one for being courageous. But for the others perspective, it might be the other way around. Whatever I prefer, the other half is against it. I don't seek reasons for all the things I chose. I seek excuses. Trying to make a fool of myself by trying to make me believe that that's fine and i got a good bargain. I don't rationalize. I'm lying to myself. I know that fact. I know that it's better this way. But, could you define better?
At this very moment, I must be in panic. There's so much to do. There's so much to think. There's so much energy to spend. But, where am I? Glued to a virtual world I made to had a better life for just about an hour. Or maybe half of it. Is it a crime? Some folks might say that instead of wasting my time jotting down my taradiddles, why not spend it by having a game plan for surviving? I have "don't give me a damn. This is how my world works. so, shut the hell up" as an answer. I can't work under pressure. I can't think under pressure. Uhm... I can't live under pressure. Let's put it to that. I find this as a stress reliever. Read: Reliever not eliminator. All of my problems had their own places. I won't let a problem take the others place. I would not let myself to be preoccupied by those problems unless I want to wake up on a mental hospital. I want to enjoy this chapter of my life. But how am I going to enjoy it if half of my day is spent worrying what stupid title and system to made? It's like a faucet dripping in a sequence. Title... System... Title... System... Crappy title... Crappy system... Ugh! I can't take it anymore. As of now.
I know who's to blame. It's no one's fault but me. I'm responsible for the outcome. I'm the one who came up with the decision. It's mine. Maybe, rather surely affected by those elements around me. Yeah right. Whatever. I said I'm done with this stuff. I don't believe on that part. The more I tell about stopping, the more chance I'm not going to stop. I had a hard time deciding. Experience is the best teacher eh? That cliche I take literally. So I take chances. Most of the time, I chose the bad one but there are times, those once in a blue moon moments I got lucky. I want this chapter in my life to end already. But I'm more afraid with the chapter after this. Wait. Hung up. My sloth alter-ego is taking in. I'm lazy enough to write more. And I think that this is enough. So I'm going to end this. Here it goes. What's the next freaking hell to come for crying out loud?! Slap it right into my face! Come on! What?! "i need to know"...
Jul2k10
FROM THE ASHES
“you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together. justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on…”
Reality slapped in front of me. Maybe ‘that girl’ realized the oh-so-heroic love of my ‘former obsession’ (well, past is past) but I doubt that. I know that she really knows it from the start but she’s just seizing her crappy beautiful moment. And now, they’re on exchanging gooey what-i-really-feel-for-you situation. At first, I thought that it’s just a mirage, the worst mirage I’ve ever seen because that simply sucks. After of what happened in the past four months, it’s the least I expect from them. Maybe if this thing happened three months ago, my blogs and life are flooded with swearings. Luckily, I’ve accepted my defeat before the battle starts (as if I’m going to fight for him, sounds bitter? yeah right). I’m not depressed to the paramount but I admit that it’s sort of saddening. And I’m worrying on the next week or two because I’m going to see them together sharing their happy-ever-after moment. But I guess, I’ll just set my mind on more important things. And there’s lot of problems needing probleming. I’ll just move the hell on as a phoenix risen “from the ashes”…
Jun2k10
WIPE IT AWAY
"this emotion was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair. the wild envy for whoever this boy preferred to him suddenly put a name into my unnamed emotion. i was jealous..."
I realized that it's an impasse. So, I surrendered about denying on my "obsession". The persons around me are as shocked as I am. I felt their amusement on that issue knowing that I'm not the typical girly-girl. And their amusement arouses every time they see my reaction each moment they tease me about that. I admit it, I got a weird and funny reaction regarding to that subject. Well, I can't blame them. Like what I said before, it's sort of new to me. So I'm not used to my reactions and they all end up being funny.
Obsession is not the proper name for this thing if I don't think that's how I felt about it. I became more and more aware of that "obsession" to the point that I can see even the littlest details. Also, the lack of information drives me insane so I decided to take a little peek on this "obsession".It's just a little peek and I keep saying it with the manner of my speaking a little innocent-like. Believe me. I'm harmless. Or so I thought until I found out that my "obsession" has hots for someone he referred to as a girl whose cute and according to him "of course, beautiful". Suddenly, my hopes that's on it's highest peak (as high as the Mt. Everest) dropped down deeper than the Grand Canyon. *sigh. It's not so good to think about that someone already caught his eyes. And I think, she really caught his eyes literally. Because he even considered going to some places with some strangers just to get a glimpse of her. At that point, I got curious and I mean really curious who that girl is. There must have been very special in her that drives him in frenzy. And thanks to some sources, I find out who she is.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. Luckily, I know some. Let me use one. Holy Crap! The "witch". Yes, that's what I call her. Just think of what she's look like for me to call her that. I don't even see the slightest beauty on her. There's nothing noticeable about that "witch"" except her thick, lion-looking and electrocuted bush of hair. Okay, I know the story that Bella's just a plain looking girl but Edward find her the most beautiful person in the whole wide galaxy. *grunt. But the "witch" is far from plain looking one. She's ugly. I know it's rude to call someone ugly if you know by yourself that your not that good-looking. But I'm just telling the truth! I promise. Maybe, my "obsession" got a poor eyesight. Maybe poorer than mine. He badly needs glasses. And don't you dare say that I have the guts to find her ugly because I'm holding grudges or whatever. No, I know myself better. At least. But it's not the her physical appearance I find ugly; as well as her whole existence. From that "little peeking" on my "obsession", I found out that the "witch" rejected him not just once but twice. The "witch" doesn't have any right to reject someone for crying out loud!!! Still, he keep on ignoring those rejections and continue "courting" her. He's a hell of a pathetic nuts. My "obsession" became more and more of an emo guy because of her. I think, he's an emo since birth. I'm hurting every time I'm gonna see them together. It's just twice though. lucky for the "witch", I am not around when she come to my colleagues selling something and towing him. I don't know what am I gonna do when I'm around that time. I'm just a little idiot audience waiting for the next scene of their little annoying story. Hoping for a big unhappy ending and waiting to see the "witch" cry with all of her heart and soul and everything until her eyes swell in pain. And waiting for my "obsession" to find his way on admiring someone that's worth his affection so this jealousy will be minimize just like simply "wiping it away"...
Apr2k10
I realized that it's an impasse. So, I surrendered about denying on my "obsession". The persons around me are as shocked as I am. I felt their amusement on that issue knowing that I'm not the typical girly-girl. And their amusement arouses every time they see my reaction each moment they tease me about that. I admit it, I got a weird and funny reaction regarding to that subject. Well, I can't blame them. Like what I said before, it's sort of new to me. So I'm not used to my reactions and they all end up being funny.
Obsession is not the proper name for this thing if I don't think that's how I felt about it. I became more and more aware of that "obsession" to the point that I can see even the littlest details. Also, the lack of information drives me insane so I decided to take a little peek on this "obsession".It's just a little peek and I keep saying it with the manner of my speaking a little innocent-like. Believe me. I'm harmless. Or so I thought until I found out that my "obsession" has hots for someone he referred to as a girl whose cute and according to him "of course, beautiful". Suddenly, my hopes that's on it's highest peak (as high as the Mt. Everest) dropped down deeper than the Grand Canyon. *sigh. It's not so good to think about that someone already caught his eyes. And I think, she really caught his eyes literally. Because he even considered going to some places with some strangers just to get a glimpse of her. At that point, I got curious and I mean really curious who that girl is. There must have been very special in her that drives him in frenzy. And thanks to some sources, I find out who she is.
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. Luckily, I know some. Let me use one. Holy Crap! The "witch". Yes, that's what I call her. Just think of what she's look like for me to call her that. I don't even see the slightest beauty on her. There's nothing noticeable about that "witch"" except her thick, lion-looking and electrocuted bush of hair. Okay, I know the story that Bella's just a plain looking girl but Edward find her the most beautiful person in the whole wide galaxy. *grunt. But the "witch" is far from plain looking one. She's ugly. I know it's rude to call someone ugly if you know by yourself that your not that good-looking. But I'm just telling the truth! I promise. Maybe, my "obsession" got a poor eyesight. Maybe poorer than mine. He badly needs glasses. And don't you dare say that I have the guts to find her ugly because I'm holding grudges or whatever. No, I know myself better. At least. But it's not the her physical appearance I find ugly; as well as her whole existence. From that "little peeking" on my "obsession", I found out that the "witch" rejected him not just once but twice. The "witch" doesn't have any right to reject someone for crying out loud!!! Still, he keep on ignoring those rejections and continue "courting" her. He's a hell of a pathetic nuts. My "obsession" became more and more of an emo guy because of her. I think, he's an emo since birth. I'm hurting every time I'm gonna see them together. It's just twice though. lucky for the "witch", I am not around when she come to my colleagues selling something and towing him. I don't know what am I gonna do when I'm around that time. I'm just a little idiot audience waiting for the next scene of their little annoying story. Hoping for a big unhappy ending and waiting to see the "witch" cry with all of her heart and soul and everything until her eyes swell in pain. And waiting for my "obsession" to find his way on admiring someone that's worth his affection so this jealousy will be minimize just like simply "wiping it away"...
Apr2k10
LAND OF SMILES
"the glory of love, and all that. it's incredible. the difference between reading about something, seeing it in pictures, and experiencing it..."
I don't have anything to say but I want to fill every silence. Or maybe, I'm too lazy to force myself to say what I want. I don't even know if there's someone reading my posts. Not that I care about that. But the thing is, I just want to express my tarradiddles. Even in just a little space provided by the virtual world. And I don't give a damn to those who want to react or whatever. Amen.
I don't know where to start. Let me rearrange my thoughts. Uhmmm... I still find this chosen path difficult. Sometimes, it's too much that I think I'm gonna cry or explode or something like that; but on the other hand, there are times that it's not that difficult that I'm satisfied of what I've decided to choose. But I think, it's a case to case basis. It really depends on the mood and the situation also. Maybe I ended up discovering or rather, proving that I do have a multiple personality disorder. Most of the things around me are driving me insane in the literal sense of the word.
warning: what you are about to read contains cheesiness. understanding on the author is recommended.
And as an addition to 'those' things is my newly found so-called "obsession". Or whatever you want to call that. It really is a big deal to them as well as to myself. I didn't notice it at first and I had a little regret to that. But for the longest time, I kept denying to the point that I raised the white flag. I surrendered. Now, I wholeheartedly admit it.
I can say that I find a reason to stay on what I chose. Though, "this" reason doesn't know so. But I felt that "this" reason has some magnet in it that pulls me closer. And it's inevitable. I can't keep myself drawn into it. This feeling really felt weird. And I mean, weird. Maybe because it's too raw for me. I've never encountered like this before, not even close. Honestly, I don't even know what to call it. But I do have an idea. Love? I don't think so. Infatuation? Maybe. As of now, I knew only one fact. That I am eager to get up every weekday mornings and get to school because, well it's obvious. But aside from getting my allowance; a pocketful of blushes conquers me on knowing I'm going to get a glimpse of "this" reason. And now, I can finally say that I'm living on the "land of smiles"...
Feb2k10
I don't have anything to say but I want to fill every silence. Or maybe, I'm too lazy to force myself to say what I want. I don't even know if there's someone reading my posts. Not that I care about that. But the thing is, I just want to express my tarradiddles. Even in just a little space provided by the virtual world. And I don't give a damn to those who want to react or whatever. Amen.
I don't know where to start. Let me rearrange my thoughts. Uhmmm... I still find this chosen path difficult. Sometimes, it's too much that I think I'm gonna cry or explode or something like that; but on the other hand, there are times that it's not that difficult that I'm satisfied of what I've decided to choose. But I think, it's a case to case basis. It really depends on the mood and the situation also. Maybe I ended up discovering or rather, proving that I do have a multiple personality disorder. Most of the things around me are driving me insane in the literal sense of the word.
warning: what you are about to read contains cheesiness. understanding on the author is recommended.
And as an addition to 'those' things is my newly found so-called "obsession". Or whatever you want to call that. It really is a big deal to them as well as to myself. I didn't notice it at first and I had a little regret to that. But for the longest time, I kept denying to the point that I raised the white flag. I surrendered. Now, I wholeheartedly admit it.
I can say that I find a reason to stay on what I chose. Though, "this" reason doesn't know so. But I felt that "this" reason has some magnet in it that pulls me closer. And it's inevitable. I can't keep myself drawn into it. This feeling really felt weird. And I mean, weird. Maybe because it's too raw for me. I've never encountered like this before, not even close. Honestly, I don't even know what to call it. But I do have an idea. Love? I don't think so. Infatuation? Maybe. As of now, I knew only one fact. That I am eager to get up every weekday mornings and get to school because, well it's obvious. But aside from getting my allowance; a pocketful of blushes conquers me on knowing I'm going to get a glimpse of "this" reason. And now, I can finally say that I'm living on the "land of smiles"...
Feb2k10
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