REAL WORLD

"the reasonable man adapts himself to the world, but the unreasonable man tries to adapt the world to him - therefore, all progress depends upon the reasonable man..."

I never thought I could make it this far. My plan is just to enter the first year just to say that I've experienced college. Little did I know, semesters come and go. At this point, I had a total of five. I thought during my sophomore days, I'll be the rebellious one I expect I will be. But am not. I'm still afraid to fail. Afraid to had people say something on my back. It's hard to convince myself that I'm still in denial after three years of denying! I've invested too much to step back now. Though I don't have enough capabilities to comply on what's needed. But who does? Maybe there are some. I may sound like a boasting bitch, but I know deep inside that although I don't feel a subject, I'm still capable to be good at it without even trying. See what I mean? I still sound like I'm selling myself with all this proud crap I'm telling. And by the way, who cares?

The time has come for the thing that I've been dreading when I think of college: thesis. I had the impression that thesis will be every students hell on earth. I must be right. I really think I am. The effort of coming up with the titles. Read: the available title. It's more of the "first come first serve" basis. The ideas you had must be yours first or at least must be publicly known that you are the first who come up with that. Worse is getting stuffs about it. Anything and everything about it. And to make it even worse, is to write those stuffs f-o-r-m-a-l-l-y. If they allow this "blog-type' kind of writing, maybe thesis will be a little enjoyable except that it really is not. I simply don't like formal stuffs. Ya know, those who always says that that should not be this or that. Maybe, they're not the first to implement that rule. Whoever he or she might be, I want him or her dead. Where's the liberty world? Where the hell is it? For heaven's sake! It's like making life so complicated when in fact, it is so simple. Why bother stressing yourselves and ruining mine too?! And the worst of all: defense. With all those formal outfits. That's my issue after all. The outfits. After all the time, effort and bloody bucks you've spent formulating and developing that title, they will ask you to dress-up like a sales representative and made you sell that title you got. If they like it, they will buy it and you'll be thankful to nines. If not, you will repeat the same old process with curses under your breath. As simple as that. *grunt* I just think that maybe it's easier to take a break. Leave of absence? Maybe. Leave of absence for good? A total bad idea. I realized that I am already an adult. I should act like one. I should think like one. I should live like one. I must stop being chimerical. And must live in a "real world"...

Oct2k10

I NEED TO KNOW

"they say the best me are molded out of faults. and for the most, become much more the better for being a little bad..."

Same old. Same old. Trapped into the words "it might have been" and "what if". I remember that i mentioned jurassic years back that I'm thinking of heading into a different path. To break stereotypes. But those remain thoughts that I've never brought to life. Am I a coward who do not fight for what I want or a courageous one who grabbed the unlikely? My mind is divided in these two parts. The one that believing I'm a coward and the other one for being courageous. But for the others perspective, it might be the other way around. Whatever I prefer, the other half is against it. I don't seek reasons for all the things I chose. I seek excuses. Trying to make a fool of myself by trying to make me believe that that's fine and i got a good bargain. I don't rationalize. I'm lying to myself. I know that fact. I know that it's better this way. But, could you define better?

At this very moment, I must be in panic. There's so much to do. There's so much to think. There's so much energy to spend. But, where am I? Glued to a virtual world I made to had a better life for just about an hour. Or maybe half of it. Is it a crime? Some folks might say that instead of wasting my time jotting down my taradiddles, why not spend it by having a game plan for surviving? I have "don't give me a damn. This is how my world works. so, shut the hell up" as an answer. I can't work under pressure. I can't think under pressure. Uhm... I can't live under pressure. Let's put it to that. I find this as a stress reliever. Read: Reliever not eliminator. All of my problems had their own places. I won't let a problem take the others place. I would not let myself to be preoccupied by those problems unless I want to wake up on a mental hospital. I want to enjoy this chapter of my life. But how am I going to enjoy it if half of my day is spent worrying what stupid title and system to made? It's like a faucet dripping in a sequence. Title... System... Title... System... Crappy title... Crappy system... Ugh! I can't take it anymore. As of now.

I know who's to blame. It's no one's fault but me. I'm responsible for the outcome. I'm the one who came up with the decision. It's mine. Maybe, rather surely affected by those elements around me. Yeah right. Whatever. I said I'm done with this stuff. I don't believe on that part. The more I tell about stopping, the more chance I'm not going to stop. I had a hard time deciding. Experience is the best teacher eh? That cliche I take literally. So I take chances. Most of the time, I chose the bad one but there are times, those once in a blue moon moments I got lucky. I want this chapter in my life to end already. But I'm more afraid with the chapter after this. Wait. Hung up. My sloth alter-ego is taking in. I'm lazy enough to write more. And I think that this is enough. So I'm going to end this. Here it goes. What's the next freaking hell to come for crying out loud?! Slap it right into my face! Come on! What?! "i need to know"...

Jul2k10

FROM THE ASHES

“you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together. justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on…”

Reality slapped in front of me. Maybe ‘that girl’ realized the oh-so-heroic love of my ‘former obsession’ (well, past is past) but I doubt that. I know that she really knows it from the start but she’s just seizing her crappy beautiful moment. And now, they’re on exchanging gooey what-i-really-feel-for-you situation. At first, I thought that it’s just a mirage, the worst mirage I’ve ever seen because that simply sucks. After of what happened in the past four months, it’s the least I expect from them. Maybe if this thing happened three months ago, my blogs and life are flooded with swearings. Luckily, I’ve accepted my defeat before the battle starts (as if I’m going to fight for him, sounds bitter? yeah right). I’m not depressed to the paramount but I admit that it’s sort of saddening. And I’m worrying on the next week or two because I’m going to see them together sharing their happy-ever-after moment. But I guess, I’ll just set my mind on more important things. And there’s lot of problems needing probleming. I’ll just move the hell on as a phoenix risen “from the ashes”…

Jun2k10

WIPE IT AWAY

"this emotion was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire and despair. the wild envy for whoever this boy preferred to him suddenly put a name into my unnamed emotion. i was jealous..."

I realized that it's an impasse. So, I surrendered about denying on my "obsession". The persons around me are as shocked as I am. I felt their amusement on that issue knowing that I'm not the typical girly-girl. And their amusement arouses every time they see my reaction each moment they tease me about that. I admit it, I got a weird and funny reaction regarding to that subject. Well, I can't blame them. Like what I said before, it's sort of new to me. So I'm not used to my reactions and they all end up being funny.

Obsession is not the proper name for this thing if I don't think that's how I felt about it. I became more and more aware of that "obsession" to the point that I can see even the littlest details. Also, the lack of information drives me insane so I decided to take a little peek on this "obsession".It's just a little peek and I keep saying it with the manner of my speaking a little innocent-like. Believe me. I'm harmless. Or so I thought until I found out that my "obsession" has hots for someone he referred to as a girl whose cute and according to him "of course, beautiful". Suddenly, my hopes that's on it's highest peak (as high as the Mt. Everest) dropped down deeper than the Grand Canyon. *sigh. It's not so good to think about that someone already caught his eyes. And I think, she really caught his eyes literally. Because he even considered going to some places with some strangers just to get a glimpse of her. At that point, I got curious and I mean really curious who that girl is. There must have been very special in her that drives him in frenzy. And thanks to some sources, I find out who she is.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. Luckily, I know some. Let me use one. Holy Crap! The "witch". Yes, that's what I call her. Just think of what she's look like for me to call her that. I don't even see the slightest beauty on her. There's nothing noticeable about that "witch"" except her thick, lion-looking and electrocuted bush of hair. Okay, I know the story that Bella's just a plain looking girl but Edward find her the most beautiful person in the whole wide galaxy. *grunt. But the "witch" is far from plain looking one. She's ugly. I know it's rude to call someone ugly if you know by yourself that your not that good-looking. But I'm just telling the truth! I promise. Maybe, my "obsession" got a poor eyesight. Maybe poorer than mine. He badly needs glasses. And don't you dare say that I have the guts to find her ugly because I'm holding grudges or whatever. No, I know myself better. At least. But it's not the her physical appearance I find ugly; as well as her whole existence. From that "little peeking" on my "obsession", I found out that the "witch" rejected him not just once but twice. The "witch" doesn't have any right to reject someone for crying out loud!!! Still, he keep on ignoring those rejections and continue "courting" her. He's a hell of a pathetic nuts. My "obsession" became more and more of an emo guy because of her. I think, he's an emo since birth. I'm hurting every time I'm gonna see them together. It's just twice though. lucky for the "witch", I am not around when she come to my colleagues selling something and towing him. I don't know what am I gonna do when I'm around that time. I'm just a little idiot audience waiting for the next scene of their little annoying story. Hoping for a big unhappy ending and waiting to see the "witch" cry with all of her heart and soul and everything until her eyes swell in pain. And waiting for my "obsession" to find his way on admiring someone that's worth his affection so this jealousy will be minimize just like simply "wiping it away"...

Apr2k10

LAND OF SMILES

"the glory of love, and all that. it's incredible. the difference between reading about something, seeing it in pictures, and experiencing it..."

I don't have anything to say but I want to fill every silence. Or maybe, I'm too lazy to force myself to say what I want. I don't even know if there's someone reading my posts. Not that I care about that. But the thing is, I just want to express my tarradiddles. Even in just a little space provided by the virtual world. And I don't give a damn to those who want to react or whatever. Amen.

I don't know where to start. Let me rearrange my thoughts. Uhmmm... I still find this chosen path difficult. Sometimes, it's too much that I think I'm gonna cry or explode or something like that; but on the other hand, there are times that it's not that difficult that I'm satisfied of what I've decided to choose. But I think, it's a case to case basis. It really depends on the mood and the situation also. Maybe I ended up discovering or rather, proving that I do have a multiple personality disorder. Most of the things around me are driving me insane in the literal sense of the word.

warning: what you are about to read contains cheesiness. understanding on the author is recommended.

And as an addition to 'those' things is my newly found so-called "obsession". Or whatever you want to call that. It really is a big deal to them as well as to myself. I didn't notice it at first and I had a little regret to that. But for the longest time, I kept denying to the point that I raised the white flag. I surrendered. Now, I wholeheartedly admit it.

I can say that I find a reason to stay on what I chose. Though, "this" reason doesn't know so. But I felt that "this" reason has some magnet in it that pulls me closer. And it's inevitable. I can't keep myself drawn into it. This feeling really felt weird. And I mean, weird. Maybe because it's too raw for me. I've never encountered like this before, not even close. Honestly, I don't even know what to call it. But I do have an idea. Love? I don't think so. Infatuation? Maybe. As of now, I knew only one fact. That I am eager to get up every weekday mornings and get to school because, well it's obvious. But aside from getting my allowance; a pocketful of blushes conquers me on knowing I'm going to get a glimpse of "this" reason. And now, I can finally say that I'm living on the "land of smiles"...

Feb2k10

I WANT YOU BACK

“we can’t go back to the start to make a new beginning. but we can start today to make a new ending…”

There’s no point on denying it. Yes, I do regret. Though it may seem stupid to regret this late. But you can’t blame me. If you are in my position as of now, I bet you’ll be as drop-dead pissed-off as I am. Maybe much worse. First, I still calmly staying in that position and now, I’m gonna stick a note on my back saying “do you know how idiot am I?” But I’m smelling change. Sooner rather than later. My hopes hits its highest peak as soon as I heard that news. And that was the time that I believe in the saying ‘better late than never’. Maybe some of them will complain when they heard my plan and I’ll be saying “you waste a lot of time”. Maybe they’re right. And maybe not. Still, I weigh my chances about that. But as of now, I’m engaging with the idiosyncrasies the present time has to offer. I’m just considering it as an experience before I bounce back to the much closer path. It’s not the same as the prime. But it will do. As for me. As of now. I really want to escape in my present situation. And that alternative is the only way I can see. And as I thought of that, the only statement that runs through my head is simply… "I want you back"…

Sep2k9

WHAT'S GOING ON

“our grand business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand…”

I know that I’m one of the hard-headed fellers around. I kept on telling that I’m going to stop. But here I am. Still doing that thing. Yes, I’m still hoping that someday, I’ll have at hand the thing I’m trying to touch since then. There are lots of circumstances affecting my desicions. So I’ve decided to choose this. I’m living with it almost a year now. A year of undisputed brainstorming and hoping. I’ve gained experience. But not enough to support what’s ahead of me. A tradition the making, that’s what you may call it. But I don’t want to get too attached to the factors of the thing I chose. Not that I know that it’s hard when there are obstacles ahead, but I simply don’t like the way they exist. But there are always exception to every rules. I saw a dim light that is miles and miles away from me as of now. And I’m weighing my chances that if I ever crossed a path with it, should I took it and have on my way? Or I’ll just let it pass, pretending that I don’t see it? I know that what am I about to do will lead me to nothing but illimitable questioning about the consequences of my actions. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t even have any idea of "what’s going on"…

Jun2k9

EPILOGUE

“for they conquer who believe they can…”

At last! The game’s over. I won a bittersweet victory. A massive brainstroming is needed before I come up with the results. I’m not disappointed with it. But at the same time, I do. I’m not because I made it. The battle between the right and easy stuffs has been finally laid to rest. And the truth prevails. The pride that I’m fighting for, if you really can call that a pride, is not wasted. I do because I still don’t know what’s the value of it. If ever that thing has one. Even if the other side wins, it still doesn’t make sense to me. Really.

But am I really right when I told that the game’s over? The second episode of the first chapter has just ended. I think, this is supposedly the commencement of the real battle. The harder one. I’m still confused about my next move. I’m open to suggestions but I don’t like doing things that people tells me to do. But no, I’m not a rebel. Or that’s just what I thought.

Hmmm. History repeats itself. This is exactly my state of thinking at exactly the same time last year. Still figuring out the consequences of my every move. *sigh… As far as anyone besides myself is concerned, it’s very difficult. Much, much more difficult at least for now. To have a digital mind and analog heart…

Apr2k9

THE WORLD I KNOW

“beware. dark and difficult times lie ahead. there are times you need to choose on what is right and what is easy…”

Hmmm. Another brainstorming. Yes, unlimited brainstorming. Actually, I’m tired of it. Tired of thinking how things might fall on their proper places. Or just knowing where those places are. Alright. I know. I’m paranoid. A victim between the battle of mind and conscience. And sort of happy with it. At least I know that I have a chance to go to heaven because my conscience is still working. Haha! Maybe, that’s the purpose of my mind. To brainstorm. I’m not like those people who took even the smallest things too seriously. But the thoughts that run through my mind are something unexplainable. Unpredictable. Uncommon. Weird in short. Just like me.

I’m not the activist type of person. Or that’s just what I thought. I really do value ego. Pride is the one that’s gonna kill me in the seven deadly sins. Really. I know that. I know that every little thing have a corresponding amount. Everything. But they kept on denying it. *Sigh. But the rebel inside me wants to burst. I don’t want to be in here. So why do I keep on thinking what should I do when I know that this is the time. The time to do my vengeance. Mwahaha! And some told me that this is a once in a lifetime experience. That I might regret when I let this moment pass by. They told me that it isn’t bad to come out of my shell and be normal at least once in a while. But still…

No. It’s time to set aside those silly revenge thing. When I let this stay, it will suck me in whole. In the end, I’m going to be the victim. A victim who is so pathetic. A person who doesn’t know the meaning of sacrifice. I choose this “other path”. Period. And back on the easy and right stuffs. Honestly, I don’t want that moment. I really don’t. I’m not the type who is born to enjoy that kind of thing. I’m normal. But in an extaordinary way. For me, that’s just a waste of time and fortune. But when you looked at it in many ways, it seems that I need it to save the thing called honor. I still have a chance. And I do have the option. The thing that I fear is when I don’t choose the right option. And missed the other chance. Oh my. Things are going really odd. The world turns in an uncertain pace. In an unusual way. And this is “the world I know”…

Feb2k9

DAY TRIPPER

“men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience…”

Okay. Okay. Okay. I don’t pursue it. But that doesn’t mean I give up. Maybe I realized that all things has their right time and right place. I believe that it is not the right time yet. Or I’m trying to do so. But “the other path” is kissed by “the default path”. So I’m not going to miss “the other path” that much. Still, all eyes are set on me. knowing my background and attitude towards “the default path”, they’re expecting me to do and know all things and elements about that thing. “The default path”. mmm… a bittersweet thing.

The second episode has just begun. Hah! it’s quite weird. Because I keep telling myself that I want to escape on this prison. But I’m still here. No foot is set outside of it. No plans. No move. I can say that I’m stable. Sitting stable on a corner. Waiting for things to happen. I’m afraid to make a move. I’m afraid to decide into something that might lead to a loss. Of time, treasure and pride. I’m going to stand up. I don’t know when. i don’t know how. but I know I’m going to stand up from all day of sitting.

I’m treating this as an experience. I feel like I’m in somebody else’s shoes. “The other path”. As they say “experience is the best teacher”. Maybe. Aside from my mom. I learned something with this path. And I know I’m going to learn more. Not with the academic side but in life’s reality. Oh! I forgot. I kept on telling my thoughts about the two paths. But I haven’t tell my thoughts why I ended up with “this other path”. Any path aside from “the default path” can be called “the other path”. And “this other path” is a result of a tripping. A rebellious tripping. Some mouth tells me to choose “that other path”. But to prove that I can disobey them. Or at least I don’t want to hear them speaking, even though I have just a little idea about “this other path”, I chose it. It’s just an evidence that I’m testing my capacity and capabilities with experience. That I’m just a “day tripper”…

Nov2k8

LIVIN' ON A PRAYER

“one-half of knowing what you want is knowing you must give up before you get it…”

I know what I want. I really do. I want to be a professional artist. I can do anything I want when I get the only thing I want. I want to be a graphic artist. I want to be a composer. I want to be a sculptor. I want to be an interior designer. I want to be a painter. I want to be a poet. I want to be a photographer. A travel photographer to be exact. I want to live in the world without limits. Where everything is free. But still, I need a bachelors degree. I need to be a professional to be a respected artist. And that’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.

It was a big mistake when I thought that I’m sort of liking ‘the other path”. I thought that it’s just easy to move on. But I was wrong. It is just temporary. It will not last a lifetime. I am right when I say that I can’t focus on one thing with there’s something I can’t help thinking about. Another brainstorming. Another test on my emotional stability. Days are passing. Time is running. “The other path” is for me, I think getting okay but still…huh! Am I going to be a prisoner of “the other path”?

It’s just simple. I need to find a place without a trace of “the other path”. A new start. Commencement of a new chapter. Beginning of something. I don’t know whether it will going to be beautiful, wonderful or miserable. I don’t care about the name. I just need to be in “the default path”. From the time I write this, chances are getting smaller and smaller. Because the world is turning faster and faster. I’ve already sacrificed five month worth of time and money. I just want and need to be in my proper place. Or else a place that I believe is proper for me. I don’t want to give up. I know I can fight. Or am I forever “living on a prayer”…

Oct2k8

DARE YOU TO MOVE

“it does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do…”

Brainstorming for almost a month. A test on my emotional stability. I’ve decided that I must go on to my last option. I made a move. I chose the other path. If I’m not going to be an artist, maybe a scientist instead. Haha! But every now and then, I can’t help but to think about my dream, my dream and nothing but my dream.

I started it. I’m unleashing the scientist inside of me. At first, I was dead scared. Who said that I want to be here in the first place? But the world turned upside down. It’s irony that I’m sort of liking the “other path”. I meet different paces. “The other path” is completely the antonyms of what I grew up with and of what I want to be in. I made colossal adjustments. Not with the field but with the elements around it.

Days have passed and we are all learning. For the last four months, I learned that I can’t get all the things I want in an instant. And maybe God has purpose for making me turn to “the other path”. In the next three weeks or years, another question is going to ask. Am I sooooo desperate in my life doing all this stuffs? And when I answer yes, “I dare to move”…

Sep2k8

I STILL HAVEN"T FOUND WHAT I"M LOOKING FOR

“if you can’t get what you love, then try to love what’s within your reach…”

I spent a decade in school for me to make my dreams happen. But it’s exactly the opposite of what’s happening right now. I’m going to spend another four years in school just to have a diploma and give it to some people asking me for it. They said that I can pursue my dreams after graduating and getting a stable job. But I don’t think I can focus on one thing with something that I can’t help thinking about. My dad said that if you want to be successful in your career, you should know, like and love what you’re doing.

I want to be an artist, a professional one. I thought having some awards and credits will help me fulfill my dreams. I even made some sort of living with my creative prowess. Thank God. I spend almost all my money buying different art stuffs. And I admit it, they are quite expensive. I know that that’s the main reason why some people doesn’t like the field I love. They just say that it is only for rich fellers. Maybe some have all those things. But without passion and natural talent, it’s useless.

I can say that I’m searching for my fate since the very beginning. A decade, a half and a year. Starting today, I’m going to sacrifice a promise to myself to save me from disappointment. Should I push thru my dreams? I don’t know. I believe in the saying ” I’ll cross the bridge when I get there” I don’t know what’s life in store for me that I need to discover.But I know that after a four year travel, I’m going to make a tough decision. A right one. I hope when that time comes, I will find myself saying “I find it”…

jun2k8